Wednesday, 11 May 2011

Greatest tips for success:

1.       When you get pulled over by a cop and he says, "papers," respond with "scissors." Not only will you clearly win, he will be impressed by your wit and sense of humour.

2.       When conversing with a British person, speak only about tea or they won't understand you.

3.       Sing the Pink Panther theme song when stealing things. This raises your stealth ability by 50%.

4.       When playing with grenades, be sure to stand near Bruno Mars.

5.       Alcohol kills germs. Drink plenty to keep your insides clean.

6.       Only befriend vegetarians. There is much less of a chance of them eating you during a zombie apocalypse.

7.       Use multicoloured duct tape, it makes the hostages feel more at home.

8.       When in doubt, mumble.

9.       Wearing short shorts and low cut tops to work will show your boss that you are serious about conserving the earth's resources to the point of sacrificing your own clothing.

10.   To check if your neighbours have a good escape plan in case of a house fire, set their house on fire. They will thank you later.

11.   If someone tells you that they're the bomb, light them on fire to see if they're telling the truth.

12.   When driving, keep in mind that STOP is an acronym for Slight Tap On Pedal.

13.   It's rude to sneeze with your eyes closed. Maintain eye contact throughout the sneeze.


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