Tuesday, 2 October 2012

How to act drunk when not drunk

I'm not a big drinker - Mr H would deny this - but I'm not. I used to be, back in the tumultuous days of my teens, before I was all sensible and cool. I like a good wine, I like a good dry lemon and rum mix and I do enjoy bubbly but I don't enjoy looking like an idiot. Therefore I prefer to keep my wits about me yet also, at the same time, enjoy myself as much as the next person. However, sometimes it isn't enough to just be having a good time, sometimes, and I'm not too sure when these times are, but I do like to take the pressure off myself and not be seen as the allocated driver. I do this by acting like a complete trash-face. Here's how:

1) Fill an empty bottle of Vodka with water. Keep it to yourself as this will be seen as your drunk device.
2) Get a little louder. People can't hear you. The louder you are the better and people will definitely appreciate you making sure they heard every word.
3) 'Like, oh my gosh.' Get a little freakin' American. And repeat. 'Like, Oh my gosh.' People need things mentioned over and over again.
4) Spray it, don't say it. What's a little saliva shared between friends.
5) Start getting huggy-feely. That person with the fluffy hair, touch it. That dude with the side-burns, stroke them. See someone with soft clothing on, rub up against them. Think of yourself as a stray kitten looking for its mother.
6) You're beginning to feel a little hot right now. Take your jacket off and throw it somewhere. Even better, take your jeans off and use your shirt as a make-shift skirt.
7) Those guys over there are definitely flirting with you. If you've got a partner, make sure you brag about his brute force or the way he can take on 6 guys at a time.
8) Re-apply your makeup but do it with your left hand (or your right hand if you happen to be left-handed) and close your eyes.
9) Find a cosy spot and fall asleep. Preferably on top of someone.

And that is how you pull- off being a jack-ass.....sorry, that is how you pull-off being a drunkard.

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