Tuesday, 27 November 2012

5 dangerous phrases said by the modern woman

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1) We're out of wine.
2) You didn't replace the toilet paper.
3) Let's discuss Christmas arrangements.
4) I have a headache.
5) You woke me up to tell me you loved me?

Wednesday, 21 November 2012

The rules of going to dinner parties

1) Tell your host before-hand of the food you don’t or can’t eat. And by before-hand, I mean a week in advance. There is nothing more annoying to a host than preparing a dinner and being told, “I don’t eat lamb because it’s a baby sheep’ just before you serve it.
2) Take something with you. This isn’t always necessary but I think it’s lovely when people show up with a bottle of something quaffable, unless of course it’s a box wine or something smelling of drain cleaner. I am a wine snob.
3) Don’t offer to help with the cooking. If you want to help, give the chef a back rub, offer to clean or wash something but putting your hands on other people’s cooking endeavors can make them very territorial.
4) Try the food before you cover it in salt and pepper. Don't assume your hosts cooking is tasteless but if it does need some seasoning, do it surreptitiously.
5) Don't eat too much but don't eat too little. Pigging out and then leaning back on your chair to belch loudly is disgusting. Playing with your food on the plate and only eating teeny tiny mouthfuls is only allowed if you are an ant, or a ridiculously thin Supermodel.
6) Don't stay too long. There is nothing worse than, after spending the day cleaning and cooking, being stuck with chatty guests until after midnight. Exhaustion can bring out the ugly side in people.

Tuesday, 20 November 2012

Things I've learnt over the past week

  1.  My guilty Television pleasure when the Husband is away, is America's next top model and Dragon's Den.
  2.  I'm addicted to popcorn with rich buttery caramel sauce.
  3. I'm in dire need of more shoes. Especially a pair of nude pumps. 
  4. After the past few weeks of Farmer's protests and strikes, the ANC need to be steamrolled and remolded to feature some humanity.
  5. Sweet peas are such beautiful flowers and the smell reminds me of walking through an English garden with my Mum.
  6. I want this bag from Woolworths.
  7. Brampton do a lovely Sauvingon Blanc.
  8. With the help of my puppy Ferdi, we've made friends with most of the dogs in the neighbourhood. I may organize a mass play date.
  9. Without BB, I wouldn't be able to chat to my brother and Dad over in the UK at odd hours in the day.
  10. My D.I.Y skills are improving. Look at this cute corsage I made for my puppy. 

Monday, 12 November 2012

Why husbands/boyfriends are like The Pill


1) They make you fat. It's too easy to veg on the couch with a good movie and buckets of popcorn. It's also super easy to live in sweat pants and mismatched undies but I'm trying to get out of that rut. My waistline wants a break.
2) They give you the grumps. Living with someone can be exhausting and sometimes, even the smallest thing can make you blow up. I sometimes wake up in the morning and just because he's a teeny tiny centimeter over on my side of the bed, I want to shove cotton buds up his nose.
3) They make you glow. It's often said that taking the pill can improve your skin. I think being in love can also do that. The moments when you look at him and go all warm and fuzzy and people think you look like a lopsided puppy.
4) You have to renew your subscription. This means taking time out to nurture the relationship and build on it. Sometimes, what made you fall in love in the beginning might have changed and you need to pick up new hobbies or likes together.

Wednesday, 7 November 2012

Couple's Shoot

On Monday, Mr H and I were captured on film by Gunther from the wonderful Vorsprung Studio.
It was our first proper shoot since our wedding and it was pretty special as 1) Mr H turns 30 this year so it's sort of a milestone of note and 2) since the parent's have moved, I've been really having to rely on him.

I searched around for a beautiful location and at first was dumbstruck when told by Spier and Brennaissance that they wanted to charge me R4000 (yes, I too was shocked) just to have some photos done. By the way, Spier have terrible customer service on Twitter and really don't give a damn what you say - bear that in mind.

Anyway, I voiced my dismay and Werner Els came to the rescue. At the time, he was working at Dombeya and he offered their grounds for us to come for an hour and take some shots. It couldn't have been any more perfect. Dombeya is stunning. The view is divine and the vineyards are bathed in golden sunshine.

So, these are just a few of the shots from the shoot. I hope you like.

Monday, 5 November 2012

The 5 most annoying guests at a wedding

Wedding Party
There's always a few one person at a wedding that has made it their mission in life to offer some sort of misery or malice to the proceedings. Here's five gruesome guests to look out for:

The slapped-arse. The chick who inwardly is raging about the fact that a) she has been with her boyfriend for years and has no ring to show for it or b) she has no significant other to be with and has to deal with many a dateless situation. Ignoring them is the trick, that and a paper bag.

The drunk friend. Slurring and slobbering all over you, these guys think they are the life and soul of the party but just end up embarrassing themselves by being a pain in the butt. They will be found on the dance floor trying to break-dance but actually looking like a whale dry-humping. Taking photos of their misadventures and posting them on every social media network can help turn them around.

The plus one. They are only there because your friend felt lonely or your partner wanted to do their cousin a favour. I hate the plus one. They don’t know you and often won’t appear on their partners arm for too much longer once the wedding is over. We had one situation where I had to personally ask one guy’s plus one to come because the guy was threatening not to be there. What a tool. Needless to say, she didn’t greet me nor offer me anything in the way of a ‘congratulation’. Oh, and they left straight after eating. Grow balls and say no.

The opinionated family member. One of the unspoken rules of any wedding is that the people who haven’t put a penny towards the wedding are always the ones with the most opinions. They believe that because they are in some way related to you, they should have a say on everything from the engagement, the bachelors, the wedding and beyond. A swift kick in the genitals would be my ideal solution.

The demon child. Spoilt rotten by their naive parents, these brats are the ones who scream through the ceremony, run around during photos and steal bits of the cake when no-one is looking. The parents won't discipline them but, depending how old they are, whispering in their ears that Father Christmas isn't real or that they are adopted might send them into such a state of shock that you can leave them in a corner somewhere.

Friday, 2 November 2012

How to: Act like a complete twat at launch events

1) Don’t RSVP until they send you a second mail a few hours before the event. This will make them want you all the more obviously.

2) Show up with a large posse and demand to all be sat together. Introduce them as if you were reading their Facebook bio:  ‘This is the gorgeous Rick, ex-model, turned professional lounger. He parties and drinks so hard that he barely gets a chance to piss standing up.’

3) Complain. The free drinks are too warm, the canapés are too cold. You don’t know where the bathroom is and have no idea why no-one has taken your photo. In fact, you haven’t even been introduced to the hosts yet, how rude.

4) You’re the most interesting person there so make sure everyone knows it. Got a blog? Great, tell everyone about it and how many hits a day you get. Explain slowly and in deadpan that you’re pretty much a god on Twitter and if you review something badly then people will follow you like brain-craving zombies.

5) If it’s black-tie, go in jeans and if it’s casual, bring out the satin elbow-length gloves. People will respect you for not going with the flow and will commend you for your savvy fashion sense.

6) Take pictures with your flash on during pivotal moments of the event. For instance, during video clips, awards, speeches and any moment which a glaring flash of white would enhance the atmosphere.

7) The free food and drinks are there to be consumed and it’s not your fault if people aren’t quick enough to take what they want. Always take some Tupperware in your bag in which you can take some food home with you. Never take alcohol home. Alcohol is there to be drunk immediately. Left-over alcohol is for sissy girls.

 8) Tweet about the event. None. Stop. Tell everyone every intimate detail. Need to wee? Tweet about it. Got an allergic reaction to someone's perfume or think the host should have worn a shirt 3 sizes bigger? Tweet. People need to know this!

 9)  They always supply too many gift bags. Help the organizers out by taking extras home with you.

10) Write a scathing review.