Tuesday, 9 July 2013

Being Jhordan's Sister

I have had quite a few people ask me "Why the name?" and I held off answering for lack of courage. There were rumors going around that I might be an undercover Princess or even a spy in Her Majesty's Secret Service. However, as it was his birthday on the 7th July, it is time to come clean and spill the beans.

That is my brother Jhordan. A beautiful Mowgli-like boy who was killed in front of me in an accident when he was just 7 and I was 9. The shock of which has altered my life, undone me, cracked my heart and my soul and then re-shaped me again.
I went through my early years, and I still do it slightly now, thinking that the World owes me big time. I often don't see things in an empathic way, preferring to believe myself to be always right because 'I'm the kid who stared at death'. It's not a good mantra for life, it hurts others and it can isolate you. I put up walls (I still do) to protect myself and prefer to disown those who hurt me before they have a chance to up and leave me. I become lost in my own imaginary worlds and like to be private about how I feel.

When I looked at other blogs and their names, they are usually personal accounts of people's lives and I thought, what better name for the domain of my thoughts than that of the one person who has formed and molded me into what I am today. Yes, I am still adapting, still changing; it actually takes years to get over something like that - for all the bull people give you about time equals healing - yes, it hurts less, but you still would rather wish you didn't have that gaping void in your life. I doubt I'll ever be normal but then again, who would want that?

What I can say, is that I've never been bitter or carried resentment against God for it, mainly because it is not His will that anything like this should happen but also because why should I demand that another person's brother die and not mine? Why should I be any different to anyone else? I just continue to move forward - I am now sister to two other siblings who are 12 and 14 and were the healing balm for our family after Jhordan's death.
I am now fitting myself back onto the right path and believe that one day I will see him again, until then, I hope he is proud of me and where I'm going.

p.s, the reason for the H in Jhordan's name is purely a Stafford tradition from my Father's side - Dhenis, Shante, Jhordan, Rohan and Adehle - we're cool like that 

1 comment:

  1. Great post, thanks for sharing your touching story.