Tuesday, 3 December 2013

How to make sure you never get invited to a Christmas party

 
  A handy guide for making sure you never make the guest list of any social event. Ever. Again.

1) Don’t RSVP until they send you a second mail a few hours before the event. This will make them want you all the more obviously.

2) Show up with a large posse and demand to all be sat together. Introduce them as if you were reading their Facebook bio:  ‘This is the gorgeous Rick, ex-model, turned professional lounger. He parties and drinks so hard that he barely gets a chance to piss standing up.’

3) Complain. The free drinks are too warm, the canapés are too cold. You don’t know where the bathroom is and have no idea why no-one has taken your photo. In fact, you haven’t even been introduced to the hosts yet, how rude.

4) You’re the most interesting person there so make sure everyone knows it. Got a blog? Great, tell everyone about it and how many hits a day you get. Explain slowly and in deadpan that you’re pretty much a god on Twitter and if you review something badly then people will follow you like brain-craving zombies.

5) If it’s black-tie, go in jeans and if it’s casual, bring out the satin elbow-length gloves. People will respect you for not going with the flow and will commend you for your savvy fashion sense.

6) Take pictures with your flash on during pivotal moments of the event. For instance, during the speeches and any moment in which a glaring flash of white would enhance the atmosphere.

7) The food and drinks are there to be consumed and it’s not your fault if people aren’t quick enough to take what they want.
Always take some Tupperware in your bag in which you can take some food home with you.
Never take alcohol home. Alcohol is there to be drunk immediately. Left-over alcohol is for sissies.

8) Tweet about the party. None. Stop. Tell everyone every intimate detail. Need to wee? Tweet about it. Got an allergic reaction to someone's perfume or think the host should have worn a shirt 3 sizes bigger? Tweet. People need to know this!

9) They always supply too many gift bags. Help the organizers out by taking extras home with you.

10) Write a scathing review on your blog/website/facebook page
A handy guide for making sure you never make the guest list of any social event. Ever. Again.

1) Don’t RSVP until they send you a second mail a few hours before the event. This will make them want you all the more obviously.

2) Show up with a large posse and demand to all be sat together. Introduce them as if you were reading their Facebook bio:  ‘This is the gorgeous Rick, ex-model, turned professional lounger. He parties and drinks so hard that he barely gets a chance to piss standing up.’

3) Complain. The free drinks are too warm, the canapés are too cold. You don’t know where the bathroom is and have no idea why no-one has taken your photo. In fact, you haven’t even been introduced to the hosts yet, how rude.

4) You’re the most interesting person there so make sure everyone knows it. Got a blog? Great, tell everyone about it and how many hits a day you get. Explain slowly and in deadpan that you’re pretty much a god on Twitter and if you review something badly then people will follow you like brain-craving zombies.

5) If it’s black-tie, go in jeans and if it’s casual, bring out the satin elbow-length gloves. People will respect you for not going with the flow and will commend you for your savvy fashion sense.

6) Take pictures with your flash on during pivotal moments of the event. For instance, during the speeches and any moment in which a glaring flash of white would enhance the atmosphere.

7) The food and drinks are there to be consumed and it’s not your fault if people aren’t quick enough to take what they want.
Always take some Tupperware in your bag in which you can take some food home with you.
Never take alcohol home. Alcohol is there to be drunk immediately. Left-over alcohol is for sissies.

8) Tweet about the party. None. Stop. Tell everyone every intimate detail. Need to wee? Tweet about it. Got an allergic reaction to someone's perfume or think the host should have worn a shirt 3 sizes bigger? Tweet. People need to know this!

9) They always supply too many gift bags. Help the organizers out by taking extras home with you.

10) Write a scathing review on your blog/website/facebook page
- See more at: http://www.wine.co.za/news/News.aspx?NEWSID=23947&Source=Spotlight#sthash.L65IWSyW.dpuf
A handy guide for making sure you never make the guest list of any social event. Ever. Again.

1) Don’t RSVP until they send you a second mail a few hours before the event. This will make them want you all the more obviously.

2) Show up with a large posse and demand to all be sat together. Introduce them as if you were reading their Facebook bio:  ‘This is the gorgeous Rick, ex-model, turned professional lounger. He parties and drinks so hard that he barely gets a chance to piss standing up.’

3) Complain. The free drinks are too warm, the canapés are too cold. You don’t know where the bathroom is and have no idea why no-one has taken your photo. In fact, you haven’t even been introduced to the hosts yet, how rude.

4) You’re the most interesting person there so make sure everyone knows it. Got a blog? Great, tell everyone about it and how many hits a day you get. Explain slowly and in deadpan that you’re pretty much a god on Twitter and if you review something badly then people will follow you like brain-craving zombies.

5) If it’s black-tie, go in jeans and if it’s casual, bring out the satin elbow-length gloves. People will respect you for not going with the flow and will commend you for your savvy fashion sense.

6) Take pictures with your flash on during pivotal moments of the event. For instance, during the speeches and any moment in which a glaring flash of white would enhance the atmosphere.

7) The food and drinks are there to be consumed and it’s not your fault if people aren’t quick enough to take what they want.
Always take some Tupperware in your bag in which you can take some food home with you.
Never take alcohol home. Alcohol is there to be drunk immediately. Left-over alcohol is for sissies.

8) Tweet about the party. None. Stop. Tell everyone every intimate detail. Need to wee? Tweet about it. Got an allergic reaction to someone's perfume or think the host should have worn a shirt 3 sizes bigger? Tweet. People need to know this!

9) They always supply too many gift bags. Help the organizers out by taking extras home with you.

10) Write a scathing review on your blog/website/facebook page
- See more at: http://www.wine.co.za/news/News.aspx?NEWSID=23947&Source=Spotlight#sthash.L65IWSyW.dpuf

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