Mr H and I have been married for 3 years. *insert wild cheering*
With each year comes the niggling question of 'babies?".
In our first and second year of marriage, my mum didn't mention the topic.
In our third year, my mum bought me a baby grow and gave me folic acid tablets. I think she is hinting.
Mr H has been hinting too and so has the ol' biological tick - which is more like a warm, fuzzy tingle that makes your eyes water ever so slightly when you see a cute baby.
We don't want to rush into the process though. It's a monumental, life-changing/consuming decision that deserves to be thought through and prayed about.
The more thinking I do, the more my fears spill out - and some of them are highly irrational.
For your entertainment/upliftment (some of you may be feeling the same), these are my worries.
Don't be too judgy, I'm being brutally honest...as usual.
1) I won't be sexy anymore. *gasp* all the mothers in the world start throwing me shade but remember, these are my fears.
I think a pregnant woman can be beautiful, stunning, ethereal but, to anyone that isn't her husband, is she sexy?
I think this says more about my insecurities as a woman, than as a potential mother, but it's something I have considered.
2) What if I have a baby with a disability? Again, I can almost feel the outrage but bear with me.
My sister has severe learning disabilities but she is glorious. Her difficulties stem from dyspraxia, dyslexia and very slow, educational learning - it's not a physical defect and her nature is such that you find her to be almost magical.
My fear is, what if the difficulty is bigger than that; what if it's physical; what if my child can never leave home; what will the strain me like on my marriage???
Yes, I know I sound like a selfish monster and a hypocrite because I would never EVER want my sister any other way.
3) What if he/she becomes a delinquent? I've always been a firm believer that it's the parents who mess up their child...that was until I looked at myself.
Circumstances (death, abuse, etc) shaped a lot of my unfortunate escapades, and it was nothing to do with the way my parents parented. So what if I do everything right, but they become drug addicts/murderers even? I suppose this is something that I just, in faith, hand to God on a daily basis.
4) What if I just become a big saggy mess after pushing out a baby? I'm very insecure as it is about my body, now I might have stretchmarks to contend with and other such horrors.
Again, I'm not saying all mothers are horror shows, I'm just saying that I don't have the genetic makeup of the athletic, skinny type.
5) Will I enjoy sharing my husband with another person? Our entire lives will change, what we do for fun on the weekends now, will be severely altered. What will happen to our lazy mornings watching movies and slurping hot tea?
6) Will we still have the same friends? We were one of the first couples in our friendship group to get married and so it stands to reason that we would be the first to have a baby but will that make our friendship dynamic harder? Will I still have time for them? Will I now have to go on the prowl for other new mums to hang with and then all we will ever talk about is the colour of our child's poop that morning?
7) 9 months without wine!
8) The cost(s)!! Nappies. Clothes. Prams. Cots. Toys. Etc....maybe I should just move back to the U.K and cash in on freebies from the government.
9) The actual labour part. No C-section...but I don't want a crater for a vagina.
No drugs...but I'm not that good with pain.
Constant trips to the gyny which cost more than a plane ticket to the U.K? Awesome.
11) What if I can't have kids? I've always wanted to adopt but I've always wanted a biological baby first....but what if adoption is the only way? What if my body fails me, what if I'm not perfect?
12) What if I lose a child? As a sibling, death is hard. As a mother, the death of your baby is the loss of a piece of you.
I was very selfish in my grieving for my brother, not seeing that his loss was far greater for my parents than it could ever be for me.
For 9 months, they had envisioned meeting this miracle of their creation and then 7 years later, after countless dreams, memories and future plans, he ceases to exist and the golden thread of his life is severed.
As a mother, do you still feel that ache years later; does your body still feel a connection to the child you will never see again until Heaven?
13) And, after all the above, if I have that tiny, precious gift in my arms, who's to say that I will be the best mother? What if I fail at the basics. What if I'm too over-protective, too strict, too lax, too anything?
There you have it, my honest and rather depressing concerns....is there hope?