Monday, 26 January 2015

How to be fancy

1) Drink wine from glasses that don't match but make sure you have specified tumblers for Gin.
2) Take off your makeup before bed you filthy animal - a) it's good for your skin b) you don't leave marks on your bedding and c) you don't look like an Orc.
3) Don't be early to a function, but don't be more than 10 minutes late. I'm awful with my timings so this is totally hypocritical but, if you're more than 30 minutes late I disown you and wish a plague on both your houses.
4) If you keep getting an invite to someone's house, return the favour OR, if you can't play host, take a leaf out of an awesome person I know and bring hostess gifts or offer to cook something. (That person knows who they are and they know they are fabulous).
5) Don't leave the house without shaving your legs...but if you really can't get the razor out, cover them pins up.
6) Walk tall and don't shuffle. Show authority and pride by the way you enter a room.
7) Oh you went for a jog around the houses, lifted some weights at the gym, ate sawdust as part of a "new you" diet, keep that to yourself...unless you have before and after pictures. I love those. And no one ever enjoyed cauliflower pizza. Stop it now.
8) Stop constantly whining about bad relationships or those people you had to move away from...coz it kinda looks like you still miss them. It happened. You're better off. Let go.
9) Have a signature dance move that you break out when the mood is right. Make it so awesome/hilarious that people shout "oh this party is starting ya'll, gurl just gone and bust her moves!"
10) Smile at your enemies. No, wink at them. Say with your eyes, "I've got life's balls and I'm swinging from the chandeliers with them. How's it hanging with you?"
11) Take up a hobby (such as sewing), get really good at it and make things for your friends. Perhaps even start a business. (I have one such friend who made scarves. Unexpected. Very cool)
12) Grandma was right, good underwear counts and you feel all saucy and awesome when you wear it.
13) Know your faults but don't allow others to use them to make you feel inferior.
14) Hold doors open for people and if they don't thank you state loudly, "you're welcome". Hopefully, they will remember next time.
15) Stop pouring through food accounts on Pinterest and just make some of the stuff already! Triple Nutella cookies..I think so.
16) And finally, in the words of Scott Disick...

“I’m a big star. I don’t need to be dealing with your peasants.”

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